I was talking to a friend recently who has been blessed with a brood of kids, both girls and boys. He said “I don’t know what to do with little girls…I’m not one, so I leave most of that to mommy.”
That floored me. After all, we relate to woman everyday and we do it not because we are women (as if being of the same kind of something was the only way to relate), but because it’s appropriate and expected that we would relate to women in ways that are appropriate to that relationship. We don’t hide from them because we are not the same sex. This would cause lots of problems…. and apparently, with this guy’s wife popping out kids about every year, he’s broken the code with regards to his own wife.
We hang out with kids even though we are not children. Because is ways that are biblically appropriate, its expected. And we learn how to relate. We have supper with the elderly; we don’t pass that on to someone else because we aren’t retired yet. We do it because it’s expected of us…by God and it’s a blast. He expects us to do it…to discover ways to relate. We don’t turn over that gift and responsibility to someone else. We do it because it’s the right thing to do.
We relate to co-workers, to neighbors, to people of various vocations, sex, background, and economic backgrounds. Sameness is not required for relationship. Side note: Churches that place a heavy emphasis on sameness are in danger of becoming the next David Koresh compound.
What I think my friend meant was “its easier to relate to my boys.” And by that, he means, “we like the same stuff…and so I don’t have to do stuff I don’t like.” And “We think the same, so I don’t have to concentrate on them all the time…I can pretty much stay focused on me.” Or “I like things that go fast and shooting guns but I don’t like talking.” Yep, if being a self-serving, lazy slouch is the way to go, than this reasoning might be on target! But I don’t think that’s God’s design.
Isn’t it amazing that God’s first community was based on complementary beings, not sameness? There is something richer, something deeper and more satisfying when we learn about others, what they like, what they need and then, in love we serve them. This is what it means, at least in part to be fashioned in the image of God, male and female.
My friend and I talked and after removing my boot from his fourth point of contact (see parachutist landing fall), here’s where the Lord took us and I hope it serves you.
Ephesians 5 gives us some parameters on how being a man works…in this text with wives. But there are general principles that need to be modeled, taught, communicated, and lived out in appropriate ways with all the women in your life…particularly your daughters.
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. (Ephesians 5:22-28 ESV)
For today, let’s work through two universal principles that can be found here about raising healthy, godly daughters.
First, the phrase “love your wives,” taken in conjunction with the illustration of Christ, “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her “, give us our first principle to draw on. We are to flesh out relationships with our wives, daughters, and all women, which offer a “benevolent responsibility”. That is we sacrifice (responsibility) for their good (benevolent). John Piper says that this way of being with our daughters “rules out all self-aggrandizing authoritarianism. It is meant to rule out all disdaining condescension and any act that makes women feel patronized rather than honored and prized.”
Do how do you do that with your daughters? How do you sacrifice in ways that are for their greatest good and development? Here are a few….
1. Daughters need you to pay attention. A Daughter hungers for healthy involvement and attention from Dad (even if she doesn't always show it). So act in a benevolent way and give it up! Talk to her about her life, her day, her joys, and her disappointments. Pray with her over things that she needs to see you care enough to take to the throne!
2. Daughters want to feel that Dad is proud of her and that he loves and understands her. If you are going to get the “benevolent responsibility” job done, you are going to have to look her in the eyes and in very specific ways TELL HER of what you are proud of…what honors God, what gifts that He has given her that you can clearly see and are very blessed by, brag (godly bragging) about her publicly to others and in front of her….
3. Give her a hand-written note or personal email -- in your own words -- telling her how proud you are of her, what you admire about her, how much you enjoy your time together, etc. This is a good way to show benevolent responsibility toward her.
4. Shut your pie hole and listen! My girls talk about 1000 words a minute and they need to get it all out…so have a seat, grab a cup of coffee and listen up.
The second principle in this text is that you lead! The word here for “head” is the word kephele (transliterated from the Greek). It carries several meanings, but for now we are going to stick with one. It means, “to have the lead.” Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood (if you have not read this book, run don’t walk and start plowing your way through…it will strengthen your resolve to being all that God ahs called you to be as a man or a woman) spells out several items that help us understand what leadership is and how we as Fathers carry that out…. here’s some that I think are absolutely essential as they relate to our daughters.
1. Good God honoring leadership with our daughters does not express itself in a demand to be served, but in the strength to serve and to sacrifice for the good of your daughter. Develop her love for Jesus. Lead her in prayer. Lead her in ways that empower her to follow her King.
2. Good God honoring leadership does not presume superiority, but mobilizes the strengths of your daughter. In other words, don’t lord it over, but use your position to lead to being all that God desires her to be.
3. Good God honoring leadership does not have to initiate every action, but initiative in the relationship should be the pattern. Seek your daughter out. Take the initiative in cultivating the relationship (don’t wait for her to ask), talks, walks, and just finding creative ways to cherish her…
4. Good God honoring leadership takes the initiative in disciplining when it’s necessary.
5. Good God honoring leadership recognizes that we are called to repentance and humility; our service is unto Jesus the King. This requires constant brokenness before the One we serve.
Men, if you don’t lead your daughters through benevolent leadership, someone else will! Man-Up and honor the Lord in all your relationships.
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